Oh, Bless Catastrophy
by Kavisk
Summary: Skulduggery and Valkyrie arrest an adept accused of murder. He also happens to be the first magical teenager she's ever met. She feels attracted to him, but Skulduggery doesn't approve.
1. In which Valkyrie discovers boys, sorta

_(To avoid the Skulduggery-trapped-in-an-alternate-dimension thing, the story takes place between books two and three. Thank you for your time, please R&R. P.S. Sorry for the drabble of a prologue.)_

_ Oh God. This is gonna hurt, _Valentine thought as he fell towards black pavement. He braced himself as best he could, but his head absorbed most of the impact. The skeleton and his companion, a young girl, had followed him in the drop, but had the luck of not landing on their faces, and the air itself to slow their decent. In his inner monologue, Valentine sighed. _Elementals are always so hard to deal with. _He rolled on to his back and tried to sit up as his pursuers walked to the site of his landing.

"Note to self:" he said aloud, "next time, land on feet."

"Would you like to come with us now?" the skeleton asked, stooping over him.

Valentine reached into his coat and pointed a Luger in the skeleton's face. "I won't hurt either of you, just tell me who you are and why you're after me."

"Fair enough. I am Skulduggery Pleasant, the world's greatest skeleton detective-"

"Never heard of you," he said, returning the gun to its pocket.

"Odd..."

"So who's she, Mr. Pleasant?" he said, nodding in the direction of the girl, "Do you have a fan club or something?"

She made an indignant face. "I'm Valkyrie Cain-"

"She's my apprentice... of sorts," Skulduggery finished.

"Right. And the two of you were chasing me why?"

"You've been charged with murder."

"Oh yes? Where?"

"Russia."

"Impossible. I was banned from entering Russian territory after that time I...is that not in my file?"

"Honestly, you have no file."

"Really? Well, yes, the entirety of Russia has a restraining order on me. I performed a spell incorrectly."

"And?"

"Seems I made every toilet in the country explode violently."

Valkyrie giggled. Valentine grinned, pointed at her and drew a symbol resembling an eight in the air. "You have quite a cute laugh, Miss Cain..."

"Skul- Skulduggery," Valkyrie said between giggles, "I think he's tic- tickling me."

"Please stop that, Mr...er..."

"Valentine," he responded, snapping his fingers and leaving Valkyrie gasping for breath.

"Is that first or last name?"

"Only name."

"Only?"

"Yes. It's just 'Valentine'."

"Right then. Even if you _have _been exiled from Russia, you'll need to be arrested temporarily for basic questioning. Do you plan to come quietly?"

"Definitely. You two seem _very_ fun. And plus, I've never seen Ireland's Sanctuary. And plus, no handcuffs...right?"

_"_As long as you don't make them necessary._"_

_"_Wonderful. You have a car, or are we walking?_"_

Valentine followed them to a Bentley Continental and climbed into the back seat.

"Seatbelt, Mr. Valentine."

"No offense, but I fell two stories and landed in a parking lot, on my face. I can't imagine anything a seatbelt would prevent would hurt me."

"Trust me," Valkyrie told him, "Just do it. He's neurotic about that."

"Fine." Valentine's seatbelt clicked.

As they drove through the night, Valentine asked, "When we're done with this, could you take me to a tailor named Ghastly Bespoke?"

"Well, he's at the Sanctuary, actually."

"Oh Really?"

"Yes, he's a statue."

"...Dammit."

_"_Anyway, we won't be going to the Sanctuary._"_

Valentine raised an eyebrow. _"_Excuse me?_"_

_"_We no longer work with them._"_

_"_Told you not to antagonize Guild..._"_ Valkyrie mumbled.

_"_Wait. So now, I've been arrested by rogue vigilantes in a country I'm unfamiliar with?_"_

_"_Well, yes, in a way,_" _Skulduggery explained.

_"_Joy. Fine then, I'm going to try to sleep off the concussion I most likely have," Valentine said, slumping in his seat.

For the first time, Valkyrie stopped to examine him. His black trench-coat hid most of his body, though she found his bleach white hair strangely attractive.

_"_Skulduggery, how old is he?_"_

_"_Sixteen...no._"_

_"_No what?_"_

_"_You will not be dating suspected killers, Valkyrie_."_

_"_I didn't mean it like _that_, you goon._"_

_"_And you're sure about that?_"_

She paused. _"_Mostly_..."_


	2. Backseat Cuddles, Breaking and Entering

(So, in order to appease the small fan base I've somehow gathered, I've managed to write another (drabble) chapter between horribly long research assignments. May I present, Chapter Two.)

"Valentine?" Valkyrie asked quietly, "We're here..." She reached out and prodded his chest, and gasped when his hand wrapped around her fingers.

"Where's Mr. Pleasant?" he asked in a kind voice.

"Inside."

"Good. I think the two of us should talk." He pulled her into the car. She vaguely realized that she was now lying on top of him, and sighed happily, drifting.

"Um... did you want to talk or are we just going to cuddle?"

She looked up, a deep blush spreading across her face. "I'm-I'm sorry, it's just, you're so warm... I haven't felt warm in a long time..."

"Hey, you don't have to apologize. Unless you shoot me in the foot or something. Okay, the only thing I'll ever want an apology for is if you shoot me in the foot, alright?"

Valkyrie laughed. "Deal."

Skulduggery opened the car door. "What are you two doing?"

"Well, Mr. Pleasant, she's doing your job for you."

"Oh yes?"

"She's interviewing me. She already knows who I am. You've trained her well."

"Then who _are_ you?"

"Let's see, Kingdom: Animal, Phylum: Vertebrate, Class: Mammal, Order: Magical, Family: Adept, Genus: Courier, Species: Valentine."

"Hmm... I don't believe I've ever heard of a courier adept."

Valentine chuckled. "Must have surprised you when I survived that fall then. Couriers are defined by magical enhancement of speed, reflexes, resistance to bone-crushing damage, and certain special techniques I've decided you don't need to know yet. Now, how about I get to ask you a question? Where did you bring me?"

"The Library was our only feasible headquarters."

"The Library? You mean _The _Library? China Sorrows? You've brought what you believe to be a dangerous killer to a world renowned collection of impossibly priceless magical objects?"

"Like I said, only feasible headquarters."

"Well, let's go then," Valentine said, slipping out from under Valkyrie. He proceeded to tap the side of the building, tap the bottoms of his boots, walk up the wall, and climb through an open window.

"China's going to _love_ him," Valkyrie stated.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Skulduggery responded.


End file.
